Today I was THAT person. That one that forgets there are others coming from other directions and moves backwards with my shopping cart without looking first. I usually have a good sense about the presence of others around me even if I can't see them... I feel them there.  Maybe this comes with being use to having a large family and having so many people around me all the time…? More than that, without directly trying, I often know what's around me because my peripheral vision is insanely good. Well, today Jose and I were in Target, and we decided to backtrack to another aisle. I forgot myself and inadvertently started to back up and almost immediately stopped abruptly, feeling someone coming around my right side. Before I could even turn my head to see who I was about to collide with, I could tell she was mad... I felt her anger. As I was turning, I immediately apologized. Usually when something like this happens, people tell each other, "Oh don't worry. It's ok. I'm sorry too.”… these are all the things I say when the roles are reversed even when I know the other person was in the wrong. In the scope of things, this stuff just doesn't matter enough to get upset about... this is coming from someone who has had entire drinks spilled down my shirt at events before they even began and had to sit in my wet clothes for many hours and then fell over myself to console the other person, who I knew felt terribly, to make sure they didn't feel any worse than they already did. "Accidents happen because they're not on purpose" as Jose always says. And sometimes people need our grace instead of our anger even when we feel it and even when we are the one wronged or inconvenienced in some way. 


Well, today in Target, instead of finding an emotionally disarmed person accepting my apology, I felt her tension before I saw her, and, without even being capable of making eye contact with me, I saw her completely stop, purse her lips and grit her teeth, stare straight ahead of her, and seemingly trying not to explode at me while clearly wanting me to just move out of her way. I saw a woman seething, near her breaking point, hanging by a thread. And without thinking, I reached my hand out to her arm and apologized again, and I heard my voice sound concerned about her. And I was. It did occur to me later that touching her probably wasn't the smartest thing I could have done, but I hadn't thought about it; I just did it reflexively. When she still wouldn't look at me and continued to stand there frozen, I backed away and kept watching her, hoping she would look at me. She didn't. Instead she started pushing her cart again and continued on, all of her tension following along like a fog surrounding her.  This entire situation lasted seconds. I am still thinking about her over 4 hours later.

I'm not sure what it is about her that made me feel empathy instead of annoyance at her overreaction or why she is still on my mind now. But I know that I have had moments where I was not out to be a jerk to anyone but found myself clinging to what little patience I had left, and I too needed someone's grace... someone to just let me slide this once and I'll go back to being a better human tomorrow. I know I have felt bad about it even as it was happening but was just unable to cope any better in that moment. That is a person who is stretched very thin, who is very tightly wound, someone who is carrying a very hard and heavy load. It is possibly someone who is just a jerk in life too, but I had this feeling about her that this was a fragile moment for her. Jose and I both stopped and waited for her to go as I apologized one more time. And I looked at him and said, "She's about to break." His expression told me he knew what I meant. Did I mention that I have not stopped thinking about her since?

Situations like this are the reason I feel that some misunderstandings happen and then even worse things as a consequence. I could have been mad at her because of how she acted. I could have said something sarcastic to her or told her to chill out, I could have made a scene. None of those things would have helped the situation. There's that saying that you can't control how other people behave, you can only control how you respond. There's also a saying that you don't know what other people are dealing with in their own lives. If today reminded me of anything it's that it's not so important how this lady behaved towards me today - I actually applaud her for holding her shit together when I could see she felt like blowing - it's more important that when we see someone struggling that we don't contribute to worsening that moment for them.

This is not about removing responsibility from people and their individual behavior.  Also, I will never advocate for being anyone’s door mat. This IS about the human connection, though, and channeling our best perceptive skills and noticing when someone is struggling, and it IS about leaving a person better than you found them... or at least trying.  I hope she is now sitting in a calm space decompressing a bit as I know I have needed to many times myself. 

I wonder if she is thinking about me too.

I just got the best massage. It was by Javier Bardem. Well, it was in my head anyway. In reality, I had my eyes closed from the time I laid down before the masseuse came into the room, and, by the time I opened them again, he was gone. But it was definitely a man with strong hands, he definitely worked hard on my knots, and he definitely got a little winded in the process. In my mind, Mr. Bardem was sweating over me, wanting nothing in return. Grossed out yet? Keep reading…

You know what I love? Like L-O-V-E? I love it when I don’t tell a masseuse anything about my troubles, and they find them on their own. There are tell tale signs that they know what you need when they strum those guitar strings deep inside between your neck and shoulder a few times and then roll up their sleeves and dig in without glossing over them. In addition to my tight shoulders and neck that I’m convinced plague every mother on the planet with the load we all carry, I also have arthritis in my lower spine and persistent pain up to about the middle of my back. Mr. Bardem got right in there using all facilities available to him: elbows, fingers, hands, the base of his hands… I floated between reality and a happy place. Well, I could have done without the karate chops to the butt. I can get that at home for free just lying in the middle of wherever the kids are playing. But still…

Speaking of butts, you know what else I love? I love it when the masseuse just gets ALL UP IN MY butt. There are places in the nooks and crannies that really get to the problem areas caused by my spine trouble, and Mr. Bardem did not disappoint. There were a few moments where I was a little concerned about the momentum caused by my butt jiggle, but I think Mr. Bardem found a use for that also. It was around this time that I heard the heavy breathing, but man did he have perseverance, I mean, just straight up tenacity. I was holding my breath and screaming all kinds of profanities in my head, and then… relief… I was a tough piece of steak that had survived the tenderizer, and now there were relaxing massages again, (and then some karate chops that I blocked out), and then more deep, soothing massages, and then… then it was over and he softly thanked me and told me to take my time. I felt myself pouting a little bit before fixing my face and sitting up.

I didn’t dare open my eyes before he left, because I didn’t want to mess up the image I had of my personal masseuse. Also, I stopped myself from asking him to cuddle me while I took a nap. Something told me that might make it weird. But I left feeling like what people must feel like when they say they want a cigarette…? Or maybe not since I’ve never actually wanted a cigarette… but I wanted something… oh yeah, I wanted Javier Bardem to cuddle me. But I would have settled for a nap. Instead, I made what seemed like a giddy, walk of shame across the parking lot, followed by a raw appreciation for the light drizzle and the warm breeze on my face along the way, and… hmmm I want something to eat. So, yeah, cigarettes aren’t my thing, but an afterwards-snack is right up my alley.

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While putting the boys to bed last night after returning from my business trip, it was evident that each of them had lots of things saved up to talk to me about, so we ended up getting them to bed in later than planned.
I went to tuck in Javi, & he jumped back out of bed and said "Oh! Wait a second, Mommy!" He ran out of his room and down the hall to their bathroom. I heard spraying and then footsteps running back towards me followed by a waft of men's cologne." He jumped in bed and said, "Ok, I'm ready!" 
I tucked him in and told him, "Wow, you sure do smell good." He smiled big and said, "Thanks!" And then, "Mommy, if Daddy snores tonight can you come sleep with me?" I told him, "Sure."
Hugs. Kisses. I love you's. Goodnight.
I walked down the hall and into Dominic's room...
Dominic: "Mommy, how come when me and Javi were in your tummy you were going to call me Nic for short but you always call me Dominic?"
Me: "I don't know. We just always called you your whole name... we don't like 'Dom', and I guess you felt more like a Dominic than a Nic. Why?"
Dominic: "I like Dominic but Nic better." Can people start calling me that?"
Me: "Sure. If that's what you want."
Dominic: "Ok. From now on, I'm only answering if people call me Nic."
Me: "Sounds like a plan."
Hugs. Kisses. I love you's. Goodnight.
Walked down the hall...
Dominic: "MOMMMMYYYY?"
Walked back to his room...
Me: "Yessss?"
Dominic: "When babies are born, does it hurt when they cut the rope?"
Me: "Nope!"
Dominic: "How does it come off where it's attached to the mom?"
Me: "We will talk about it some other time... it's late and past our bedtime. Love you. Goodnight."
Walked down the hall...
Dominic: "MOMMMMYYYY?"
Walked back to his room...
Me: "Yes, Dominic?"
Dominic: "How many galaxies are there in the whole universe?"
Me: "You have a book about this. You can look it up tomorrow. Goodnight, Doodle."
Walked down the hall...
Dominic: "MOMMMYYY?"
Walked back to his room and heard him making a request of Alexa...
Me: "WHAT DO YOU NEED?"
Alexa: "I'd like a cheesesteak and some fries."
Dominic: *busts out laughing*
Me: "Goodnight. To both of you."
It's like I have an extra kid now or something... and she's usually back-talking. 

#Alexa #HighMaintenance #BedTimeDelays #BackTalking

I have hated country music for my entire life. But then one day, years ago, I heard Nelly was doing a song with Tim McGraw, and I was like "Huh?" I had a similar reaction the first time I ate a savory dish with fruit in it... "Huh?" Turns out, rap and hip hop blend really well with country music... at least for my ears. And grapes do something magical to chicken salad. Nelly did it again later with Florida Georgia Line, and by then I was adding fruit to a multitude of savory dishes on the regular... one having nothing to do with the other, of course. I'm just saying.
I started catching myself tapping my foot in a restaurant to a pop-ish country song I didn't even realize I was listening to, and then I found myself singing a song and turning it up when I was flipping music stations and learning that the guy who sang it was named Luke Bryan. I YouTubed him and found some of his other songs, realizing I really liked them. 
So today I still hate country music for the most part, but I actually have some on my playlist that I keep on regular rotation... and I may have a little fantasy that someone out there could have written those songs just for me (I'm a sucker for romance... and Luke Bryan makes me feel sooo special singing those songs to me. 😜)
Anyway, I'm sure I'll hear other country songs down the road that I like and - who knows? - one day maybe I'll be a full-fledged country music fan. Nah... don't push it. And don't try to put pineapple on my pizza either. I draw the line somewhere before there.
So...
Today on my drive back from Tulsa to Dallas where I had entirely too many hours of thinking on my hands, I was listening to Luke Bryan's Drunk On You, and I couldn't help but think that if someone HAD written that song JUST for me, or maybe just dedicated it to me over the radio... wait, they don't do this anymore, do they? Ok, say they put it on my mixed tape... oh, wait... anyway, suppose they just TOLD me that the song reminded them of me, my first reaction would probably be "awwww, that's so sweet", and I think most people would have that first reaction too. But then that line "If you're not a 10 you're a 9.9" would play, and I just know someone out there would be saying, "Wait. What's up with that .1?" And then too much thinking and over analysis would happen and she'd say, "So who DO you think is a 10?" And then she'd be sad about something that was intended to make her feel special. And I'm not talking about me here, but I know some of you are identifying with this right now because I'm really good friends with some of you. 😂😂 Sure you might add some unnecessary drama to the universe, but you also add passion, excitement, and probably some fun "making up" after your tantrum... at least that's what I hear. 
Anyway, I digress... Luke Bryan keep singing to me... making my heart all a flutter with your lyrics.
I wish I had a Waldorf salad about now...

A friend of mine sent me something this week that made me laugh so hard I cried (that's one way to get some forever-love from me!). Another friend was apparently watching as I was reading it and took this pic unbeknownst to me. She sent it to me in a text later and said, "I know you're going to complain about this pic, but it's the face your lovely kids see every time they make you laugh, and it's one of the most special mental pictures they'll ever have." 
And, well, I just thought that was just an amazing observation. So here it is... my laughing-crying face that my kids see probably more than anyone else... for better or for worse. 

#MakeMeCryLaughing #MomLife #Memories #RealLife